Static

12 Aug

Leaving Utah was hard. I kind of had a crying meltdown in the Murano on the way to the airport. Leaving this trip, this wedding, meant that my wedding is creeping ever closer. While I’m so excited to make my vows to Jim in front of all those I love, I’m just nervous about getting it all to come together. I’m so happy with my life, but I’m still scared. I’m scared of not having enough money for bills and other commitments. I need to pay Krista for forthcoming photography, etc. I have to bring all these ties together.

I just sort of started crying with the responsiblity of it all. What’s silly is, I wouldn’t have it any other way, in the control aspect that is. I love to be in control.

It seems silly now.

I honestly think that I would like to settle out west one day. After I get some experience under my belt. After I become more confident in my career. After Jim finishes school. Probably after a lot of things. It would be very hard to leave my parents and this comfortable place.

However, there’s a peace there that isn’t here. It’s maybe the scenery. It’s maybe the people. I’m not sure. Waking up and wandering onto my porch with a steaming cup of warm tea on a chilly fall day, watching the clouds gently stroke the mountains seems ideal. Watching the clouds touch the mountains makes harp music go off in my head.

It’s hard coming back to work. I like it, but in talking to Jim’s aunt, she caught a tone in my voice when I was talking about my job. She’s like, “It’s not what you want to do forever, is it?” And I was like, “No, actually. I want to use my editing skills to help new writers in the literary aspect…”

Realizing that one’s job is not the be all end all is sort of a strange feeling. Especially when I tend to settle into most jobs until life takes me somewhere different.

I really admire Jim’s aunt. She’s not only one of the most beautiful people I’ve ever seen, but one of the kindest and, peaceful (there’s that word again). I guess I saw what her life was like out there and wanted a little of that for myself. The whole time I was around her (for most of our trip) she never said a strong or harsh word against anyone, yet never seeemed fake. She was never critical or judgemental or outwardly, vocally nervous, even though her daughter was getting married and it was no doubt a huge undertaking.

I really really admire this. Jim sort of has this inner sort of peace as well and it’s definitely a part of him that I love and admire and want to hone in myself.

There’s a long road to self-improvement.

I also need to get back to the gym. I’m about 80% happy with my body, but I know if I get in there at least three times a week, things will improve.

I have 110 days until the wedding.

Advertisements

One Response to “Static”

  1. Marla August 12, 2008 at 6:08 pm #

    I agree with you in that I love the West. If the people I love weren’t in the Midwest, I wouldn’t want to come back. Period.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: