Status Update: Mindspew

10 Dec

Things were pretty weird this past weekend. It was probably some of the strangest three days of my life. Things happened that have made me question myself and not really know who I am anymore.

My mom had surgery, a thyroidectomy. She doesn’t want anyone to know about it. When they removed her thyroid, on one side, they found a very small instance of papillary cancer. This is one of the most highly treatable cancers. Her doctor said that no one she knew had ever died from it. All she has to do is take the radiation iodine pill in a couple weeks (when her TCH levels are down) and it will kill off any other thyroid cells that may be left in her body. The doctor said that type of cancer on grows on thyroid tissues.

Mom is considering have the radiation done at Christmas so she won’t have to miss three weeks of work (she can’t be around children under 18 and she works at school…) Mom also said she doesn’t want Meagan or I to come around while she’s having that done. For the first three days, she can’t even get close enough to my father to hug him.

To go along with this, my sister and I thought this would be a good time to try to talk to mom’s doctor about how she has extreme anxiety and how we think there may be something behind that. We asked if there was any sort of medication out there that may help her with this. Thanks to an asshole doctor who I wouldn’t let talk to my nonexistant dog, our plan was sort of put out in the open. He basically walked in to the room the day after my mom’s surgery and said, “Hi, I’m doctor Riaz. What’s this I hear about anxiety? Are you anxious? Well, you have cancer. You need to face up to it. YOU HAVE CANCER.”  There were so many things wrong with what he said that I can’t even go into it. Needless to say, we were all horrified and my sister literally drug him from the room say that he could not talk to my mother anymore and that he was not her doctor.

This event sent us on a rollercoaster weekend of mom being confused and saying that she didn’t have an anxiety problem. We said, yes you do. And she would say, then just get out. And that’s what happened over and over. My sister was stronger than my dad and I and tried to get my mom to understand that it was now or never. That this is a problem we had been dealing with for so many years and she needed to help herself now. It got too much for my sister to deal with and she had to leave because mom still said she didn’t understand why we disrespected her and why we were getting so emotional about it.

For me, it was hard to react because I agree full-heartedly with my sister. There is something wrong, there has been something wrong for a long time. I began to realize it when I started dating and saw that my ex’s parents were normal, relaxed people. They enjoyed their time off. They had friends. They didn’t hide from the telephone. They didn’t shy away from guests. They got to know their children as adults and respected their decisions in growing up. They didn’t compulsively clean the house and fret every time they came over. They didn’t put hellacious amounts of pressure on their children to be the best or face hell. I was literally a basketcase my entire middle school years because of that pressure. I was so terrified in the face of a test, I would almost always have diahrrea before, during, and after the test. I had nervous stomach far earlier than any other child should.

And now I’m just trying to sort through my feelings and realize that maybe there are reasons as to why I felt certain things when I was younger. Such as, and I still typically feel this today, that I’m never good enough and I’m constantly looking for reassurance that I did a good job, that people around me are pleased, that my cooking tastes good.

I know I need to talk to a couselor after today. I was so distracted the entire day at work. I made erratic decisions. I actually made fun of a co-worker when he called himself a tool. I couldn’t focus on anything because I feel like my center of gravity has been moved. I don’t know what to do with my mom. I don’t know whether to be as headstrong as my sister and put myself on a limb. I honestly have no idea how to proceed. I can’t help but feel like my mom is vulnerable right now.  But I also think that she will never admit that she has a problem. A problem that my father is never able to stand up to out of fear. We all literally fear her. Who fears their own mother? What do I do to get her to help herself? I tried to make her understand. I tried to tell her about how I thought Marla was one of the strongest people I knew because she’s getting help for her illness and that recognizing and trying to improve a problem is a STRONG thing to do, not WEAK. It’s how you deal with it.

And that’s why I know I need to take my own advice and see someone. I don’t want to be a ghost of who I was. I don’t want to begin acting differently or hide things from Jim. I want to be able to concentrate on being a married couple. I don’t want to lose focus. After the dream I had this morning, I am scared of what is going on inside of me. I know that it will take time to feel better about this, but I also think talking to someone will help. It’s the right thing to do. I just have to be strong enough to take that step today.

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2 Responses to “Status Update: Mindspew”

  1. JESS December 10, 2008 at 11:18 pm #

    HUG! Love you- and you are being a very strong little marshmallow- against the bon fire of life.

  2. Marla December 11, 2008 at 12:35 am #

    I love you, Molly. I’m sorry that you’re going through this.

    Stay strong. I’m here for you if/when you need me.

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