Important Things

10 Aug

First of all: Demetri Martin is hot.

He’s hot because brains are hot. And Jim agrees (not necessarily on the hot thing) but we both love watching his stand-up or his show, “Important Things.” His comedy is some of the smartest I’ve heard in a really long time. He shows that comedy can expand the mind while making you laugh.

He talks about trying to figure out his life. Which, is what we’re all trying to do.

Lately I feel like I’m missing something, like, there’s something I’m not pursuing that I should be. I thought maybe it was creativity. I don’t explore my creativity as much as I used to. I spent most of the morning listening to “This American Life” (on Netflix, also highly recommend) and doing paintings. While the paintings are cathartic, what I do with them is not – I shove them in a folder and that’s it. What is a painting if it isn’t displayed, right?

And I realized that this is what I do with all my creative work. My work that is being displayed (my real work) is not my real work. My creative work, my heart and sole, is sitting on a CD, or hidden on my computer, or is in my file cabinet or scribbled on a gum wrapper in the bottom of my purse. All the potential of that new work is for naught. Because once its born, it never gets to life.

I’m a bad mother to my work.

I’ve been very afraid of rejection for a long time. Probably always. I don’t know if it had to do with always feeling like I had to get good grades (if I didn’t, I thought the world might possibly end if my mom would yell at me). I was so afraid of criticism on my math papers that I would immediately hide them away and not look at them. I would just crunch them in my desk. After awhile, there were a lot of them. One winter, I got a really bad cold and my mom had to go to school to pick up some homework I needed. The teacher showed her all the papers I’d been hiding and the shit totally hit the fan.

I think when I do receive criticism (and I was typically fine with it in college) I want to do something immediately to fix it or I feel powerless. If someone I love deeply (like my significant other or parent) criticizes me, it cuts more deeply to the core and I typically become defensive, then cry, then realize they’re right and that they’re only telling me because they love me. I feel like I’ve gotten a lot better about this, but it’s still a lurking issue with me.

In the same vein, I hate telling other people no. My parents, friends, Jim. I feel like I ruin their lives when I do. This is a little glimpse inside my head. The telling people no issue has gotten significantly harder since I lost a lot of friends a couple years ago. I feel like one little “no” might be the last straw. So, if someone asks me to do something and I can’t do it or I have other plans I feel terribly guilty and awkward and usually wait till the last minute which doesn’t help matters whatsoever. I realize this and know that I am fixing it – realizing is the first step, right? It’s not fair to my loved ones or myself to behave this way. I don’t want to be an avoider. I don’t want to turn people away that I love.

I think being off BC is good for my mind. I feel like I had been in a little fog for awhile and I *feel* more. Does that make any sense? I feel more like my more caring self again. Yeah, I might act a little crazier before my period, but who cares? Women did it for centuries. It’s the way it should be. It’s an important thing.


One Response to “Important Things”

  1. Meagan August 10, 2009 at 8:08 pm #

    A big sister’s rambling: My feelings are that you have to be a friend to yourself before you can be a good friend to someone else. Also, if a ‘friend’ chooses to no longer be your friend over you telling them ‘no’ than they were never really your friend. So as you get older you may have fewer friends but the ones you keep will be there for the long haul.

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