Spinning my wheels

22 Oct

Have you ever just had one of those days when you’re spinning your wheels? I just need to get some stuff out and you don’t have to read it. This is not meant for pity.

First thing on my mind: my mom. She’s go to do a cancer scan again tomorrow. There’s a lot involved in this. For the past two weeks, she hasn’t had any salt or processed food. You want an effective diet? Try this. Try to even find an edible damn piece of bread that doesn’t have sodium. This has been really hard on her, as I guess she puts a lot of happiness in her food choices. We all do, I guess. No one is happy about having a restricted diet. She’s had to have injections. Blood tests. She’s not a good patient. Whatsoever.

I was talking to my sister about it today and I realized something strange. When my mom was told that she had cancer, no one in my family got to absorb that news because my mom threw a fucking fit because we told her doctor she might need something for her anxiety. She didn’t want any of us in her hospital room. Or at least anyone who wouldn’t kiss her ass. I was the one who couldn’t be real with her. I tell people what they want to hear and bitch to anyone about it who will listen. I was the only one she didn’t throw out.

Since then, she’s been in remission, I guess you’d say. The doctors surmise that they got all of the cancer with the total removal of her thyroid. This scan is simply precautionary. My biggest fear in the face of these results is strange. Normal people would be afraid that their loved one has cancer. I’m simply afraid of how she’ll react if she hears that news.

Today she had to have blood drawn and she has to swallow the radioactive iodide pill. When she got home, my dad bought her flowers. She pushed them away.

That man has done nothing be a saint to her for his whole live. I hate that she did that to him. He was trying to do the best thing he knew to do for her. He’d been getting her fresh groceries in Wal-Mart and he saw these nice flowers and he got them for her. And she pushes them away.

I know that sometimes when people are in pain, they push their loved ones away out of fear, but I resent her doing that very much. I resent her doing that because that sort of behavior kills my dad inside. He would do anything for her.

Last week, he went out to eat with my sister and great aunt when he was off work. Mom was at work and wouldn’t have been able to eat had she gone because of the no sodium, processed food thing. Dad came home and felt so guilty that he ate without her that he burst into tears and begged her forgiveness.

I’m so sick of her acting this way and hurting my family and stressing everyone out. Yes, I know that she’s going through something, but when I was going through something, I just wanted to feel love and talk to people. When I was going through something, I just cried a whole lot. I don’t understand why she would push those that she loved away. Or why anyone would do that.

In other news, I’m starting a business with this same family that I’ve been complaining about. I see the masochism in that. I got my business cards today. I’m not quite ready to unveil the website or our online store yet, but will soon.

I went to Plato’s Closet today with 6 bags of really nice clothes. They made me wait 45 minutes to go through it. They gave me 37 dollars and sent me home with five remaining bags. I was pissed. I worked hard gathering all that shit up. I’m just leaving it in the back of my car forever until I can find someone who will pay me something for it. There’s too many good things in there just to give away.

The most awkward moment of the day occurred when I was on a conference call with a subject-matter-expert. I had seen earlier in the week that he’d gotten a “surgical procedure” done and, in starting the call, making small talk, I said, “Oh, soandso, I saw that you had a procedure done earlier in the week, are you okay?” I just wanted to make sure he was okay for the call. His answer was, “Oh, yes, well, me and my wife have two kids and decided we didn’t want to have anymore so we, I…took care of that…” I was flabbergasted. My reply? “Oh, well, I guess that’s something you can check off your list then!” He said his motivation for doing so was his buddy’s situation. Apparently this guy refused to get a vasectomy, so his wife threw her hands up and went to get her tubes tied. Well, she was at the pre-op appointment when the doctor looked up and said, “Ma’am, I”m afraid we aren’t going to be able to do the procedure. You’re pregnant.” Two days before her tubes were to be tied! Yikes. Therefore, my subject matter expert made the call for his appointment the next day. Well done sir.

I feel better having got that off my chest.

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One Response to “Spinning my wheels”

  1. jenthesweetbuns October 23, 2009 at 2:56 am #

    I’m sorry to hear about your Momma. I’d feel the same way as you do about your Mom’s “coping” with the situation.

    We all react differently to serious situations. Blah blah blah. That statement is so overdone, but it’s true.

    Maybe someone should just tell her how much her actions are upsetting the family.

    Just a thought: I wonder if she’s pushing everyone away because she’s in denial about the whole situation? Giving her flowers makes “it” real. Or that the situation is serious or something.

    My outlook on serious situations: God forbid something really serious would happen. I wouldn’t want my family to suffer along with me. I wouldn’t want my family to remember my last moments negatively.

    I truly hope that your Mom realizes this.

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