15 Jul

Dude, when did I become an adult?

When did I lose faith in myself, constantly questioning. Constantly feeling like I’m not good enough. I can’t live up to expectations set by my family or myself.

Today, packing for vacation, driving to where we have our family vacation, I was not carefree. I worked a whole day of work. I sat there while Jim worked an hour and a half late. Then I had to wait on him to pack. Then I trusted our GPS to get us there correctly, and it did get us there, but took us on 50 miles of hairpin turns and hills. Thank God Jim does not get motion sick. I’m frustrated at myself because it made me so nervous. There were fox and dogs jumping out in front of me continually. I was trying to drive slow. Why do I let one event from my childhood dictate my emotions on this hilly journey?

At one point, we came to a clearing, and it was the most beautiful sunset and Ozark mountains. I literally felt like I was in the mountains of the west (just covered in trees). It was one of those moments that I was proud that I went out of my way and explored.

But I got to the condo late and didn’t get to hang out with my family hardly at all tonight. Partly because I was being a gloomy gus, and partly because everyone else was really tired. When things come at me all at once, I begin to shut down and feel like crying.

I don’t know if I’m ready to be adult. While preparing for this trip, my main goal is that I want it to be relaxing, a blow with the breeze sort of thing. So far, I’ve been trying to so hard to get here and get going that I’m getting so confused at how I should act and how I want to act.

The lake is peaceful and beautiful tonight, with yellow and blue lights. No boats on the water because it’s a Wednesday night and nobody comes out then. Almost everything is quiet and still. Take note, heart. Follow the example.


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